Classic Jokes
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to
him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
"Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat
patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting
you should see him make donuts."
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever
a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs
Fucking."
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel,
rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their
hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands
in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy
jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard
tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes
up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally
elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the
woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his
new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to
get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses
in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house."
Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear
any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with
us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat,
remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For
those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own
that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She
peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every
time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what
about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's
cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor
to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the
doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they
were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple
thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where
are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then
asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She
then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't
need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the
kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write
it down! You forgot my toast!"
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking
to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four
more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life?
Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have
turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your
dad."
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What
could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says,
"Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary,
who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how
would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies,
good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice
"JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table
and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice
came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then
says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys
"THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to
me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my
life."
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two
of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the
ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and
says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the
man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning
voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the
farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several
days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything
away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will
paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the
door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The
hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there.
It's a BMW."
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and
found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle
down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the
contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise,
and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened
the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very
good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from
the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass
and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When
I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other,
which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was.
I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out
to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front
passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back
here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each
other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known
each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again,
dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food.
Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the
outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said,
"What is it?" "It's called the door!"
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds
that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd
brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd
been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to
begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for
this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back
in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented
the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into
a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room
and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a
habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back
into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the
ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in
Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word,
had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out
of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy
turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door
and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his
problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy
Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly.
"Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a
huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million
dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and
the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you
want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And
I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining
about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked
you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's
voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so
smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second
Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need
a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said,
"There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around
to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager
okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around
here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the
manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the
manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the
parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally
the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally
the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took
the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with
a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies,
"I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on
his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00
bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next
year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands
on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the
special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do
you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes
you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut
the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag
on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been
telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut
up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk
to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much
it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work
and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police
officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service
to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then,
a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it
a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of
the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband
gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says ,
"And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's
real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman
responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which
the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave
them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,
err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers,
his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's
a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that
your dog choked on her, sir."
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to
marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy?
I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone
and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said,
"I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him
respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a
large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At
exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman
started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?"
asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and
when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry,"
said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor
comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much
time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women
Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor
the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next
floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the
friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want
to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:
"All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still
one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There
are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw
pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top
was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up
to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's
been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give
me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my
wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and
joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus,
I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son",
Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very
thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled,
removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything
distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch
me! I'm on long term disability."
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking
by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad
at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast
and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first
of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his
recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks
over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the
end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously:
he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while
enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get
married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from
high school."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his
wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked,
"That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer
finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a
keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for
him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed,
"Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but
then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out
to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback
by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman
can get ready in ten minutes."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the
main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the
front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he
said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned,
which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments,
both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's
your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw
a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does
it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the
officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like?
She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how
old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The
grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash
my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this,
he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your
dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was
the spin cycle!"
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's
it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly,
someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television,
and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says,
"Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes
that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious.
She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor
of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the
porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To
which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered
if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's
wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the
plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather
elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman
said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of
every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had
to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None
of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third
if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that
was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his
success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily,
"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer.
The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers
hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber
off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately
30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You
must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you
have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were
in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began,
silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the
jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She
shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks
are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles
or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time
to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a
dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full,
and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly
full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were
began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the
better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could
find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a
25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
